Nicky Bryson: Let's get frivolous

The equality debate has taken an increasingly serious tone so it’s time we explored the frivolous side of gay marriage. After all, we homos know how to throw a goddam good party, writes Nicky Bryson. 

I am currently planning every aspect of my upcoming nuptials with the kind of obsession that can generally only be mustered by overly romantic school girls. First there is the venue. I must be married by the harbour and have decided that the newly-renovated Andrew ‘Boy’ Charlton pool is the perfect location. The theme, natch, is ‘Glamour Pool Party’ because I feel like both sit-down formal affairs and barefoot beach weddings are just done, done, done!

Obviously cocktails will be on the menu and a poshed-up version of Aussie BBQ fare. Monogrammed beach towels have been planned for our guests in lieu of bonbonniere and we think that cater waiters (of both genders) in sexy swimsuits would give the affair a lovely risqué flavour.

We even have our celebrant on notice and our outfits planned down to the most minor detail. I am going for a flowing Camilla caftan, gigantic sunglasses and a Hepburn-esque flying-saucer hat. My gorgeous bride-to-be is leaning toward a bejewelled turban and vintage Jantzen swimwear look.

I’m desperately hoping that some of our guests will be sporting retro bathing caps and cats-eye sunglasses because that will make our photos look adorable. Speaking of the wedding album, we are absolutely torn between two gaymazing photographers.

After getting in trouble for purchasing our engagement rings from Tiffany & Co, we have promised that we will only go to diamond diva, Nadia Neuman, for our wedding rings. Happily, we both agree that the design should be platinum bands with inlaid diamonds. Then, of course, there is the all-important honeymoon to consider. Currently topping our list is a lesbo-laden Olivia cruise.

As I make all of these careful plans for the wedding I can’t legally have, I am reminded of that fabulous protest sign. You know the one: “Three words that will save the economy: gay bridal registry”. Well, it’s not just the registry that will save the economy; the sheer scale of our celebrations will probably provide a budget surplus! Given that me and my girl plan to be life-long DINKS (dual income, no kids), we are more than happy to spend the equivalent of our never-gonna-happen child’s university fund on our nuptials.

Right now everyone is harping on about the ‘dark side’ of gay marriage, or getting righteous about how loving marriages make a stable population no matter the gender combination. What about the frivolous side of gay marriage? We homos throw a good goddamn party. When I think about how much our friends regularly spend just for a night on the tiles, I can easily calculate what they would consider a reasonable wedding budget. Spoiler alert: luxury cars have been purchased for much less.

The world needs more fun parties and the economy needs the cash we would be willing to inject. Plus, marriage equality would make Australia look totes cool. We are falling behind the hipster curve on the global stage right now. I mean, how can our politicians even hold their heads up high knowing that Canada has more street cred than we do?

Can we just make it happen already? I want to get married while I still look good in pool party wear. Nursing home chic really doesn’t work for my colouring.